We don't need a witch hunt …

We don’t need a Salem national standards witch hunt. Schools aren’t broken and the vast majority of teachers are better than really really good. And most of our schools are jolly-well excellent especially when we compare them to every other country’s schools. And the vast majority of our schools are using data to help the kids’ learning, not that numbers and trends are the most important thing schools do.

If kids aren’t learning to read and write and do percentages and learn their manners then I don’t just expect government to kick up a fuss, I expect the kids, their parents and their neighbours and their friends and the people down the road who install satellite dishes – you know, that whole village that’s busy raising the children – I expect everyone to kick up a fuss.

But if kids aren’t learning the periodic table by the time they’re 12, or they’ve not grasped the intercultural implications of New Guinea’s cargo cult – well, that’s OK, really. But by crikey, if kids haven’t learnt to say please and thank you and sorry by the time they’re five, and then a school hasn’t taught them these things by the end of the first week – yes, release the hounds.

I’m not against national standards. We can start by imposing some standards on our representatives in government. I expect them to behave properly and to be positive role models – not making racists comments, showing up to work on time and not ripping us all off with their expense claims. There should be national standards in health care too. Those who need new hips or hearts or pills should get them and not have to wait months.

 I want a national standard in roads too. A median barrier would be a good way to eliminate most of the head on collisions. And signs telling children to not swim in the pot holes. I want a national standard in electricity provision. Everyone should have electricity at a reasonable price.

 I want a national standard for parents too. If parents have kids they should agree to send their kids to school with a good lunch and backpack filled with nice words and a positive attitude. And if parents can’t meet this national standard they should hand their kids over to parents who will.

When it comes to improving schooling for the kids, when it’s all said and done, there’s too much bad being said and not enough good being done. And too many ninnies saying we need standards in education when we already have the best standards in the world.

­— Peter Giddens