Happy New Year readers . . .

Happy New Year readers. 2009 will be better. At the risk of sounding like a 20-cent poet, there’ll be more blue sky and less clouds this year, and on any rainy days that dare, I’ll just stay home – on weather-leave.

This year I’ll spend more time with the good kids. And the brats can carry on being brats. If they want my attention, they’ll have to earn it with good manners, a sincere ‘good morning’ or a story about what they did in their holiday. I’ll spend less time planning and preparing and more time relaxing. And laughing. There’ll be no time for exasperation over dumb Ministry initiatives this year.

I’ll eat more chocolate cake even though there is fat and calories and sod-all fibre. The nutrition-bians can stick their mung bean sprouts and wheat-grass where the sun will never shine. I’m reading more fiction and less books about child development. There comes a time when the newest ideas are the ones you read about last decade.

And this year I’m not whining about NCEA. I’m sure it’s a wonderful thing for those who love it (in the same way the Emperor loved his new clothes) – and for those who know better there’s the GCSE and IB option.

This year, anyone who asks for my opinion will get it and those who don’t won’t. Ha – fat chance. Life’s too short for platitudes and clichés.

If the PTA start on about teachers having too many holidays I’ll start on about home-schooling. If the groundsman whines about teachers parking on the grass I’ll suggest we swap jobs. And if the secretary interrupts my lesson even once this year, there’ll be no finding the correcting fluid.

And if the flipping school nurse or counsellor comes up with a new syndrome for a lazy wet-wipe of a kid not doing his homework or handing in her project late, they’ll need their hugging-cushions.

I’m unplugging the computer in my classroom. A heater will be more effective. A coffee machine and a toasted sandwich maker would be even more useful. No really – a toasted cheese and pineapple sandwich around 9.30 a.m. with a cup of Kenyan coffee isn’t to be sneezed at.

And, after lunch when the sugar level is low, a toasted sandwich made from mashed banana and crunchy peanut butter and a cup of hot chocolate with some of that whipped cream from the spray can – and don’t say ‘ooh yuck’ until you’ve tried it. The hot chocolate – try putting some of those little chocolatey sprinkly things… (and so 2009 won’t be completely different).

— Peter Giddens