Economic Armageddon . . .

It’s the same every holiday – you go away for a few days, read some books, relax, sleep, eat, drink almost too much red wine but not quite… and when you come back the world is collapsing. If it’s not Al Qaeda, it’s global warming, and if not that then it’s economic Armageddon.

We’re on the return journey to the Dark Ages. There’ll be no oil, no electricity and severe winters… but I have candles left over from last winter, and tins of baked beans and corned beef and condensed milk. I planted some potatoes in the backyard and I have hot water bottles and woollen blankets.

But it’s an ill wind etc. In Armageddon, school will be better. No electricity will mean no photocopier and no OHP and no data projector and no hard drives and no mobile phones and no internet.

Wikipedia will finally disappear. There’ll be books and because there’ll be no lights we’ll have to take our classes out into the sunshine and fresh air. Instead of interactive CD-ROMs children will read Treasure Island and Great Expectations and Into Thin Air and then, instead of “doing a project” to earn NCEA credits, they’ll discuss the books with each other and the teacher. And outdoors, the smell will be better.

When Armageddon hits there’ll be no oil and so no cars and so everyone will have to walk to school – so the fat kids will be saved and we’ll all be allowed chocolate again. In other countries they’ll use electric cars but we don’t have enough electricity for that – or for IT lessons.

We’ll add lessons in archery, fire-lighting, cooking on a fire (saveloys and tomato sauce), knitting, fishing, and bivouac construction. This means less time for memorising the periodic table, calculating the surface area of a truncated cone and when to use commend instead of recommend.

I think poems that don’t rhyme might have to go too.

The banking melt down means money will be useless but that won’t affect schools or teachers – we’ve never had money. I’ve hoarded a small mountain of chalk over the years so I’ll be able to carry on teaching with my blackboard (or maybe I’ll barter chalk with the other teachers – chalk for chocolate).

Heating won’t be an issue – there are enough Wellington memos and manuals and glossy brochures to see us through next winter.

And here’s the best bit –we’ll dig up the cricket pitch and plant pumpkins and potatoes and garlic and onion and kumara. We’ll have good food and get rid of a silly sport all in one.

So, as always, schools and teachers will continue on – and probably save the day.

— Peter Giddens