Vote for me…

I can feel an election coming on. Vote for me. If you don’t see my name on the ballot paper, just get your red pen and write it in and then put a tick next to it and maybe even a stamp with a little green mouse that’s shouting ‘excellent’. The vote-counters will understand.

When I’m President I’ll slash income tax. We tax cigarettes and alcohol – to discourage them. We want to encourage work so we mustn’t penalise people for having jobs. I’ll make the oil companies give petrol away for free. They’re squeezing it out of our back yard. It’s like them stealing our cars and then selling them back to us. It’s wrong. Electricity can be free too. Taxes paid for the dams and the power lines – we’ve already paid once. Paying twice is wrong.

I’ll make Mondays part of the weekend. Yes, four-day working weeks. We’ll work to live not live to work. We’ll aim for three day working weeks in the near future. All these labour-saving machines will finally save us from work.

Public transport will be bigger and better and faster – and free. I’ll tax cars especially expensive imported European ones. Holidays will be subsidised. I’ll get the money for this from taxing loud people on mobile phones and all dumb comments by sports commentators, news readers, consultants and politicians.

Politicians and government workers will have to be well-behaved. No immigration scams, no driving over the speed limit, no parking in disabled parking places and no signing paintings but not painting them – these things are wrong. And no lying either.

There’ll be no coalitions. I’m not a team player. It’s only a small country. Steve Jobs runs Apple Co. on his own. It’ll not be tyranny or dictatorship – we’ve had enough of that.

I’ll fix up the 111 system so that when you call for an ambulance you don’t get a taxi or a pizza delivery, when you want the fire brigade you don’t get a glass of water and when you want the police you won’t get told they’re busy on speed camera duty. These are respectable people and they’ll be treated (and paid) with respect too. I’ll pay social workers properly too – respectable pay for respectable work.

Education will be free. This is about respecting our next generation. These kids are the ones who’ll be running our retirement homes. Fund-raising will be banned – in schools I mean. Parliamentary Services can run cake-stalls if they want new cars and offices and logos and comfy chairs.

Vote Peter’s way, on election day! (Peter’s way not Peters’ way.)

— Peter Giddens