Save the Sav!

I must protest. The Consumer Price Index, the CPI to most of us, is supposed to indicate the cost of living for an ordinary NZer and so it should include the price of the things ordinary Kiwis buy, like clothes that aren’t Gucci, food that isn’t oysters, and cars that aren’t European. StatisticsNZ is excluding saveloys, condensed milk and frozen cheese cake from its list.

Raise your hands if you’ve not felt the love of a plate load of saveloys, a plop of tomato sauce and some fresh white bread. These little cornucopias of nutrition, packed as they are with meat products, bread crumbs, red dye and 11 secret herbs and spices, are a meal unto themselves.

They go well with red wine or white. They can be prepared boiled of course, fried and then curried (as most boarding school kids know). Saveloy quiche was a particular favourite of mine, and one of my brothers had a penchant for raw saveloy – saveloy tartar.

They can be roasted on Sundays and served in lieu of fish on Fridays. There are surely some fishy bits in them anyway. They can’t seriously say that saveloys don’t warrant a mention in the quarterly CPI.

Condensed milk, laden as it is with all things good – calcium and vitamins and good sugar, is healthier for a growing lad than bloody mung beans – but it’s off StatisticsNZ’s list. It’s a staple.

After a hearty main of roasted saveloys, a tin of chilled condensed milk is the ideal dessert. It can be boiled into caramel (hubba hubba, come to Papa). It can be eaten in small spoonfuls or big spoonfuls – its versatility has transcended cultures and national boundaries.

I’ve scoffed condensed milk in Scotland, Kazakhstan, Russia, Thailand and on the Routeburn track. It’s the humble and ordinary consumer’s nod to international cuisine.

Condensed milk went to war – it was there on Gallipoli. People, we owe it.

And… they want to cross off, kill off, the frozen cheesecake – with its earthy biscuit-crust base, its sensual, virginal-white filling and its erotic fruit-substitute topping. It’s my Vitamin C (now that Ribena’s been exposed). The perfect breakfast. The frozen cheesecake is the Rubicon – cross it (off the list) and there’s no going back.

I’m ready to lay down my white-board markers, turn off my OHP and march on Parliament – ‘The Hikoi of Nope’ we’ll call it. Helen will answer to this. Winston will be ousted (if he hasn’t been already).

Comrades – are you with me? Frozen cheesecake will not be thawed. Condensed milk will stick. Save the sav.

— Peter Giddens