Teacher-Olympics

I wonder if detecting plagiarism could be an event in the teacher-Olympics. Unjamming photocopiers would be, of course, as would be drinking skanky luke-warm instant coffee.

Exercising extreme patience in the face of glacially slow Internet will be and rocking backwards and forwards gently whilst humming a happy tune and thinking of a happy place will be the teacher triathlon.

I like the throwing events. There’s something suitably primal in throwing, and I know every teacher, deep in the cave-dwelling part of the brain will understand the essence of throwing a sharp javelin. But we mustn’t forget throwing bad essays into the bin, throwing brats out of the school and of course, my old favourite, throwing an epic tantrum. (No, I don’t think throwing up at the end of term party should be an event – that’s a silly suggestion.)

Jumping is silly too. As my short friend says, jumping is inherently biased towards tall people. I agree, but remind him that he’s first to the biscuits that people drop during morning tea. I think we should include the triple jump though because it’s no sillier than most NCEA stuff. Jumping to conclusions is an old favourite for our SMT as is jumping on the next bandwagon.

Which brings to mind a serious question – are SMT allowed to compete in the teacher-Olympics? They’d be hopeless at unjamming copiers because they get secretaries to do that and they’d be useless at the running because they spend all day sitting.

Maybe there could be a scissors event. I like scissors. Obviously not running with scissors – that sort of behaviour could bring the teaching profession into disrepute – and that’s not allowed.

I was wondering about the medals. Obviously bronze, silver and gold are a bit unnecessary – we’re only teachers remember. Winners could get a packet of whiteboard markers – worth more than gold in our school. Seconds get 50 cents which is about as much silver as they can expect, and thirds get a yellowish brown substance which could describe bronze but it also could describe what most teachers get on crappy pay day.

And what will we do with the cheats – the boozers and smokers? A lifetime ban seems more like a lucky escape. They should have to bring morning tea in every Wednesday. Pikelets with strawberry jam and whipped cream. Chocolate cake made with real chocolate, cholesterol-laden eggs and cream. Yeah and pavlova with whipped cream and fresh blackberries. And custard square. And raspberry and white chocolate muffins.

Yes, that’s better. All that talk of Olympics was a silly distraction from the true essence of my work day.

— Peter Giddens