ROT for 31st March

Man does not live by work alone – not this one anyway. Food is the thing.

Cous cous with chicken. I’d say lamb but lamb’s not far from greasy stinking mutton chops and they remind me of work and reports and staff meetings and bosses and the gristle and undigestable, tasteless, unhealthy nonsense that wafts out of various government departments… so make it chicken, please.

Cous cous is easy – add water. Add salt too – I dare you. Make it sea salt. It’s like fish from the sea which has Omega 3s which make your teeth shine. Sea salt’s good.

Cous cous is bland – we all know that word don’t we? Bland is the colleague who wears all the different shades of brown – as cardigans and sleeveless pullovers and suede shoes and walk socks and… bland starts with blah.

So stamp out bland – add quartered lemons, chopped cucumber and tomatoes and chilli peppers. Play Red Hot Chilli Peppers. No, there’s a Sting album where he goes all Arabic-crossover – play that.

You have to have wine. You’ll have started already by now so what flavour is it? Chardonnay gets a bad rap; don’t be afraid. It has the yellowy tinge to go with the cous cous and lemons. It has to come from Marlborough.

Custard with stewed tamarilloes. When did we stop calling them tree tomatoes? Probably the same time reports changed to profiles, teachers became educators, inspections became observations and evaluations, and schools became communities of learning.

The custard can come from a box already made. It has delicious food colouring and additives and monosodiumgutsache in it. Or you can make it properly – with milk (if you can afford it), eggs (same if) and vanilla pods (may have to consider shoplifting). Don’t don’t don’t use artificial essence -– it’s a by-product of paper manufacturing-really.

Speaking of pods, my new iPod is the best gadget ever – it has Bob Dylan, and Simon & Garfunkel – and there’s a special filter to keep out country & western music, and it has photos of my little island, and it has the Shrek 3 and Great Expectations movies and…

Okay, heat the milk and the vanilla pods and then add some beaten eggs, slowly, whisking away furiously to avoid fat gobby lumps – think of all your time that’s been stolen by inconsiderate fat gobby lumps – parents insisting you look for Johnny’s Spiderman sunblock, or Unit Standards…

Add some sugar. Make it brown sugar – brown food is good for you so add some more. Whisk like there’s no tomorrow – which there won’t be because I strongly recommend a sickie for tomorrow.

— Peter Giddens